Time to Concede

Here's the text of George W. Bush's 2004 concession speech, to be delivered later tonight in Washington (I received a copy via email from Karl Rove):

(It begins with George stumbles out to the podium, holding a bottle of tequila)

Woo-hoo! I forgot how this tasted! I’m George W. Bush, and I approved this drink! Ha ha ha… (George is interrupted by a loud beeping sound effect) Wha? Hmm. The large rectangular-shaped bulge on my back is telling me to get on with it.

My fellow United Statesians… It has been my great honor to serve as your President for the last four years. And I would like to personally thank all of those citizens that wanted me to try it again – people from great states like Utah, Montana, and Puerto Rico. However, today the American people have spoken, even though I sat in the corner and pretended not to listen for most of the night. Now, I may not have won enough electorial votes to be sent back to the Oval Office. However, I ask my supporters not to give up hope. Because thanks to a little-known provision of the Patriot Act, I may still be President. I don’t know, somebody’s supposed to read it to me tonight.

I would like to congratulate Senator John Kerry, his foreigner wife, his running mate with the hair, and his gay daughter Mary, heh heh heh… no wait, that’s someone else. President-Elect Kerry ran a great campaign, and even though I disagree with him that I’m a reckless, incompetent, arrogant cowboy who makes decisions based only on faith, I can see where he’d get that opinion.

I leave the office of the Presidency knowing that we’ve done a great deal of good for this country, particularly for the oil services industry. We worked hard for the last four years, real hard, sometimes straight through lunch. We created literally dozens of jobs for members of the Cabinet and their sons. We have made the world safer for terrorism. And when I look at places around the world like Iraq and Afghanistan, places I didn’t know existed until about three years ago… And when I look at them and see freedom on the march, along with marauding hordes of insurgents, I know that I did my job to the best of my ability… for 60 to 65 days a year.

This election offered a stark choice for America. There are those of us who stand on the side of life and liberty, and those who stand on the side of tyranny and murder. And I have always stood for life and liberty. And I secured that through tyranny and murder. But the American people should not worry about whether or not John Kerry can keep you safe from the enemies of freedom. That’s because Dick Cheney and I are forming a paramilitary group we like to call “The New A Team,” dedicated to stopping terrorists around the world. And if we can just find 200,000 or so poor people to staff it, I think we can accomplish a lot. Currently we’re looking for a black guy with a Mohawk, if anyone knows someone like that, please e-mail me.

In closing, I would like to speak personally to the millions and millions of voters who didn’t choose me to be their President. Think of the mixed message you’re sending to our troops in the field! I mean, first you voted for me, then you voted against me! And I heard some of you say, “I actually did vote for George W. Bush, before I voted against him.” And I don’t see how you can lead the free world in a time of war by changing your positions all the time. That’s why I am urging you to reconsider your vote. Take the example of your President-Elect and flip-flop back to me. In this one case, I will forgive you for it, because it is an end to a mean… or mean to a mean… or whatever.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have the bottom of this bottle to get to. Thank you, God bless America, and may God continue to bless the wonderful people that voted for me.