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As featured on p. 218 of "Bloggers on the Bus," under the name "a MyDD blogger."

Friday, September 01, 2006

Sean Hannity Fan Fiction

If you believe that these are consequential, transformative times, if you believe our borders need to be secure, if you believe that we need to cut taxes to keep the economy humming, if you think it's an absolute mistake and a disaster to pull out of Iraq too early, if you think we're gonna retreat in the war on terrorism, if you think we're gonna be less safe, less secure with a party that has a pre-9-11 mentality, then this is the time not to give up. This is the moment to say that there are things in life worth fighting and dying for and one of 'em is making sure Nancy Pelosi doesn't become the speaker.


The air was thick that night. Thick with sweat and the smell of liberalism. I looked over at Colmes. He was still tied up with that ball gag in his mouth. He won't be bothering us very much. Like he ever did before.

Brit and I attached the last of the bungee cords around my hips. This would hold the explosive device in place, and right before he detonated, I would rush the Speaker's podium. "You sure you want to do this?" Brit asked, offering me a final cigarette.

I pushed his hand away. "Are you sure you want freedom," I replied. Brit was always too much of a pantywaist to really sacrifice for the cause. Us guys who live this stuff, breathe it, eat it and sleep it, we're the warriors. We're the angels. Brit's too worried about his tee time.

I checked my watch. 10 to midnight. The swearing-in ceremony was painful to watch. Pelosi. That smug look of hers is burned into my brain. The Islamofascists must be passing their... whatever kind of alcohol fascists drink around tonight. We just lost this war. But not if I can help it.

The movement will lose a soldier but gain a great victory. In my farewell video I talked about the young people, the little spawns of Hannidate bursting out all over the country, and I reminded them of what's at stake. If we aren't willing to die so our boys can continue to die for freedom then we ought to just kill ourselves. It sounded better in my head.

Liberals are the great evil of the 21st century. They aren't even letting us confront the great evil of the 21st century! They want me to pay for the country I love, more than poor people do! Well, this is where is ends. This is where we fight back. We've been the persecuted majority for too long.

Target: Locked in. Somebody should thank Murdoch for letting us use the satellite tonight. There she is. On the steps of the Capitol. At least it isn't the Reagan Building, I'd hate to harm so much as a brick of it. Oh well, time to go. I shake Brit's hand. "Godspeed, soldier." We give the secret salute. I'll be damned if I'm going to tell you what it is.

Popping out of the bushed, Pelosi's in my sights. I give the all-go signal and storm headlong toward the steps. The countdown clock begins, sequence intitiated.

5,

4,

3,

2,

1...

"Sean? What the hell did you tackle me for? Get off of me!"

Damn Army Corps of Engineers explosives.

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