Your Handy Voter Issue Guide For 2006

Greetings! I thought it was important, at this time, to explain the general positions of the Democratic and Republican Parties with regard to the upcoming midterm elections. With people leading such busy lives, they require these issue guides to sort out where the parties stand.

Therefore, without further ado, here we are with your Handy-Dandy Voter Issue Guide for 2006.

Democrats are running on:

setting a clear timetable for redeploying US troops from Iraq, and working with regional partners to get them to help with the security situation in the country
increasing the minimum wage
expanding health insurance to everyone, especially children
allowing Americans to buy prescription drugs from other countries
allowing the government to bargain with pharmaceutical companies for lower drug prices
implementing all of the recommendations of the 9-11 Commission to keep the country safer
expanding Pell grants and cutting the rising costs of student loans
removing our dependence on foreign oil by finding alternative sources of energy
fully funding stem cell research
enacting regulations that would help fight the effects of global warming
returning some manner of stability and normalcy to the devastated Gulf Coast region
working with our allies and negotiating with our enemies in a strong, tough, and smart foreign policy
redoubling our efforts in Afghanistan to defeat the Taliban and capture Osama bin Laden
curtailing the influence of lobbyists and corporate-run government by enacting real ethics reform

Republicans are running on:

questioning whether sufferers from Parkinson's disease are really as sick as they say they are
reminding voters that black men might sleep with white women
reminding voters that black men shouldn't be in Congress
reminding voters that brown men and brown women want to steal their jobs and take all their government services
reminding voters that Arab men want to kill them in their beds at night

This has been the Handy-Dandy Voter Issue Guide for 2006. Thank you for your time.