Please Help

Hi, I'm Alberto Gonzales. You might remember me from such scandals as "the torture memo," "wiretapping American citizens without a warrant," and the US Attorney Scandal. I'm writing today to ask for your support. You see, I want to be the best Attorney General for this country. But my inability to remember anything that's ever been done during my tenure at the Justice Department severely hampers my ability to do my job. Fortunately, I can take weeks off at a time to practice for Congressional hearings, and I have a crackerjack staff who can handle all of the loyalty oaths for interns and direct meddling into ongoing investigations on their own.

But my failing mind is really hampering my ability to look like I'm doing my job. How can anyone believe it when I say that nothing improper was done in the firing of US Attorneys, when I can't even remember what was done in the first place? And I'm not alone. There are so many of us Bush Administration officials that have chronic memory loss. Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, Condoleezza Rice, just to name a few. Do you want to see these noble figures slurping up soup and playing imaginary poker games in their head while they struggle to understand how to tie their own shoes? (Democrats don't answer)

That's why I've started the "Alberto Gonzales Center for Wiping Out Republican Memory Loss." For just the price of a cup of coffee, you can help fund research into studying the Republican brain, and treatments to make sure these lapses never happen again. Call now at 1-800-... Damn, what are those numbers again? Help me, dammit!

Thank you.

(UPDATE: Sadly, Republican politicians aren't giving to the Gonzales Memory Loss Fund. They just want him to go away.)