Late Night Snark: The Romney Invasion

(cross-posted at The Right's Field, where I just completed my first week of front-paging. Thank you, Yearly Kos!)

We know that the Five Brothers Romney have bravely answered the call of duty and decided to serve their country by helping their dad win a straw poll against such heavyweights as Sam Brownback. But we didn't know just how many Romneys were headed to the Hawkeye State to do the jobs that Iowans won't do.

They have driven here from California, Ohio, Canada and Texas; flown from Michigan, Utah and Florida. There are aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, in-laws, nieces, nephews and grandchildren.

At last count, 96 members of the Romney clan, a veritable army, have arrived here over the last few days to help out at Saturday’s Republican straw poll, bolstering what is already a huge ground operation for the event that far outstrips any other campaign for the party’s 2008 presidential nomination.

Not a veritable Army, New York Times, an actual Army! A band of brothers! In this case, literally!

I think going this far to win a straw poll when all the most formidable challengers have already backed out is something akin to lobbying judges for an Adult Video News porn award. But let's hear more about the 2008th Fighting Romneys, Election Battalion:

Leading the shock troops will be Mr. Romney’s five sons, who have come to occupy an increasingly prominent place in his campaign, giving speeches, being hosts at fund-raisers, blogging and even weighing in on strategy, all the while helping their father paint a not-so-subtle contrast to some of his leading rivals.

That contrast would be with John McCain's kid, who actually joined the military.

The great TBogg is the undisputed king of Five Brothers blogging, so I won't muscle in on that turf. However, did you know that there's a Sixth Brother?

I guess the message is: you can help America as long as you suck off your Daddy's teet until you are well into your thirties. I must not be helping America because I have my own job (technically, I am in between jobs but since I am a self-employed entrepreneur, even more technically "down time" is part of my job) that Daddy hasn't given me.

If I weren't in the middle of some fairly complicated real estate transactions (there is a lien on a property I own in Irvine and another has been foreclosed upon- not my fault btw but more on that later) I would be in Iraq right now.

Let's get a profile of Tagg, who I like to call "George W. Romney":

Of the hordes of Romneys here, perhaps nobody plays a more central role than Tagg Romney, 37, the eldest son. At debates, he has become one of the campaign’s most visible representatives in the spin room. He is also part of his father’s inner circle, usually the quickest to offer an unfiltered critique about how he performed in an event. In campaign staff meetings, Tagg Romney acts a representative of his father, often pressing others for the kind of additional data to back up their decisions that he anticipates his father will want.

Tagg's just auditioning for his big moment - when he reaches 40 and bottoms out and says "Dad, set me up with an oil company!"

I like how he anticipates his father's decisions, which as we know is quite a feat because they change from minute to minute. But the real amusing part is that Mitt appears to be completely absent from his own decision-making process. He probably gets his ideas scribbled down in a one-page RDB (Romney Daily Briefing) the next day.

And look at what else this brave soldier fighting boldly in the War On Early Indicators Of Candidate Success is doing to raise troop morale.

Even so, those inside the campaign said Tagg Romney wore his connection to his father loosely. His other main function, they said, is that of head cheerleader for morale, organizing softball, touch football and most recently a staff tennis tournament, with the championship held at the court at his parents’ house.

Didn't you know that the most important soldier in a unit is the guy who sets up the tennis tournament? You have to be BATTLE-TESTED to be trusted with something like that, man. A guy puts together the touch football game without the right seasoning, he gets that thousand-yard stare. And the shakes at night. Oh, how the shakes come. But not for Tagg. He can divy up teams and put the round-robin brackets together like a grizzled veteran just back from Fallouja.

I think there is a serious campaign issue here that has not been addressed, however. How is any state in the Union expected to deal with all of these Romneys coming over their borders, using their facilities, their schools, their hospitals? What is Mitt's position on illegal Romneygration? Should we shut down the borders, or enforce the laws on the books, or should we allow every Romney, all 12-15 million of them (these Mormons replicate quickly), a meaningful path to citizenship that includes earned legalization and a touch-back to the statue of Brigham Young at Temple Square? It's a big question for Iowa, and the whole nation.