Romney Calls For The Doubling of Alberto Gonzales

Des Moines (BP): Campaigning in Iowa, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney reacted to the news of Alberto Gonzales' resignation from the office of Attorney General of the United States by asking the President to "double" him.

"I was happy to have Gonzales at Justice. Some people have said we ought to fire Gonzales. My view is we ought to double Gonzales," remarked the Presidential hopeful, reminiscent of his earlier call to double the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

When asked if this stance represented a shift in Romney's already-shifting views on stem cell research and human cloning, he said, "No, not at all... I think there are ways you can double the Attorney General without destroying human life... I mean, sure, I have supported stem cell research in the past, but not now unless I'm talking to groups who appear to support it as well. I think that's a perfectly consistent position."

Romney was unclear on the science of "doubling" the Attorney General, currently an impossible task. Gonzales, who announced his resignation at a press conference today, does not have a twin brother, nor has he provided researchers a lock of hair or a saliva swab from inside his cheek. In addition, it appears to be unconstitutional to have two Attorney Generals serving at the same time.

Pundits from across the political spectrum, from David Broder to Bill Kristol, praised Romney's counter-intutitive statements and his penchant for bold solutions to petty partisan squabbles. Expanding on his remarks, Romney, the former governor of Masssachusetts, also called for the doubling of subprime mortgages for the unemployed, the number of soldiers in Iraq, and Michael Vick.