Bob Allen Wins The "Most Offensive Excuse" Award

Florida State Representative Bob Allen, one of John McCain's co-chairs in the Sunshine State, was arrested a couple weeks back for offering an undercover policeman 20 dollars to perform oral sex on him. I wrote about it at the time. The police report is pretty unambiguous.

The officer: "I was standing against the far wall of the stall. Allen closed the door behind him and stood against it. I said "what's up" and Allen said "Hi." Allen then said "this is kind of a public place isn't it." I said "do you have somewhere else where we can go?" Allen said "How about across the bridge it's quite [sic] over there." Allen engaged me in a conversation in which he agreed to pay me $20.00 in order to perform a "blow job" on me."

It took Allen a couple weeks, but he managed to come up with the dumbest excuse in the history of mankind.

State Rep. Bob Allen told police he was just playing along when a undercover officer suggested in a public restroom that the legislator give him oral sex and $20 because he was intimidated, according to a taped statement and other documents released Thursday.

..."This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park," Allen, who is white, told police in a taped statement after his arrest. Allen said he feared he "was about to be a statistic" and would have said anything just to get away. Allen, who couldn't be reached for comment Thursday, has repeatedly declared his innocence, his intention to fight the charges and his desire to stay in office.

OK, pop quiz time. You're the kind of person who thinks every African-American is about to steal your wallet, and you encounter a "stocky black guy" in a bathroom one day. Do you:

A) walk out of the bathroom calmly but insistently
B) pretend you have a gun and shout "You'll never take me alive!"
C) talk about how much you love hip-hop in order to get on his good side
D) WALK INTO THE BATHROOM STALL with the black guy and offer to give him 20 bucks and a hummer

Now, if your goal is to leave the bathroom unharmed, and you're afraid of scary stocky black men, I think "D" would be fourth on the list of four. But of course, I'm not Bob Allen.

This is essentially the Homer Simpson defense; making a bad situation worse.

Insurance Man: And this "Moe's" - is this some sort of business?
Homer's Brain: Don't say you were at a bar, don't say you were at a bar... But what else is open at midnight?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Incidentally, McCain probably has the least criminal staff out of all of the top tier. Why, none of his advisers have been indicted for selling coke, or impersonated a police officer, or was a Watergate-era spy.