He's The Worst Politician In American History

Even Pat Paulsen managed to get on the ballot.

Convening its national convention in Kansas City today, the Constitution Party picked radio talk-show host Chuck Baldwin over former Ambassador Alan Keyes as its 2008 presidential candidate.

The pick was seen as something of an upset, given Keyes' higher national profile. Known for his fiery stem-winders, Keyes is a two-time GOP presidential candidate who abandoned the Republican Party this month to join the Constitution Party, which believes in limited government and is committed to ending abortion and bringing American troops home from Iraq.

But Baldwin's roots in the Constitution Party run deeper. He was the party's 2004 vice-presidential candidate, and party members said his stands were more in line with party thinking.

"Chuck is the real deal," said Jim Clymer, the party's national chairman.

Still, the two waged a fierce battle described as the most contentious in the party's 16-year history. Baldwin wound up winning easily on a 384-126 vote. The Missouri and Kansas delegations basically split their votes between the two.

Really? Keyes coulnd't beat CHUCK BALDWIN, whoever the hell that is, in a party that's almost perfectly aligned with his batshit crazy view of the world? Is there anywhere lower to sink than that? Did Keyes wind up the day with a speech blaming the media and saying "Just think of what you'll be missing, you won't have Alan Keyes to not kick around anymore"?

The downside here is that we will be spared another federal election where Barack Obama faces off with Alan Keyes, considering how good things went the first time around. On the upside, if John McCain is caught in some swinger club scandal, Keyes remains available to take his place!

CA-04: California's Alan Keyes

From an email to supporters from Charlie Brown, here are the 9 - count 'em, 9 - elections that Tom McClintock has run for in California, culminating with his entry into the CA-04 race today:

Chair, Ventura County Republican Party
CA State Assembly, District 36 in Southern California
U.S. House of Representatives, District 24 in Southern California
CA State Controller
CA State Assembly, District 38 in Southern California
CA State Senate, District 19 in Southern California
CA State Controller - Again
CA Governor in the recall election
CA Lt. Governor
U.S. House of Representatives, District 04

You could conceivably make it 10, because he was prepping a run for the state Board of Equalization before bolting to head 418 miles north to Roseville to run for Congress.

All he needs is a site called "Renew America" or something, and several failed runs for President and US Senate in states where he doesn't live, and he'd give Alan Keyes a run for his money.

What's Alan Keyes Up To?

On days like these, when there's not a whole lot going on and we're all waiting to see whether or not John McCain and Freddie Thompson will actually cry when they concede defeat, thoughts turn to Alan Keyes. You see, we need Alan Keyes. And when I say "we," I mean "writers of snarky blog posts about Republicans."

So let's take a look at his public schedule since announcing for President in September.

*

OK, so there hasn't been a lot. But hey, getting on the ballot in seven whole states is hard work, so cut the guy some slack. And look, he traveled to Reno in October and Colorado in November, so that's an undeniably consistent pace. Hell, maybe he'll surprise everyone and go out for TWO events in December!

But really the Keyes campaign has been about what Republicans haven't let him do. Here is a sampling of the news feed on Keyes' campaign website.

CNN poised to exclude Alan Keyes from last big debate before primaries
Alan Keyes excluded from FRC event
Florida GOP excludes Alan Keyes from Orlando debate
NBC "chooses who is allowed to enter political arena" says Keyes
Alan Keyes excluded from Oct. 9 Michigan Presidential Debate

You have to admit, the campaign has a message. And that message is, "I can't get out my message!" I guess it's this selective removal from the debates that has forced Keyes to go directly to the people, once a month, to kickstart the grassroots revolution to renew America.

I can't wait.

Eye Of Newt

Newt Gingrich, who David Broder considers a visionary (considering he thinks Bush is primed for a comeback, that's like Michael Corleone kissing Fredo on New Year's Eve in Cuba), is looking for a few good suckers moneymen.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich will begin next week to seek financial commitments from donors for a presidential-nomination bid, the Georgia Republican told The Washington Times yesterday.

If he can get pledges for $30 million over the next three weeks, he will join the Republican presidential-nomination race — a prospect he had been downplaying until yesterday.

We here at D-Day strongly support a Gingrich candidacy almost as much as we supported a Keyes candidacy, and would mostt strongly support a Gingrich-Keyes ticket. Furthermore, we support adding one now candidate every week until the nominating contests begin, so that every Republican in the country is in the race and they can all tie with one vote. And given the state of the GOP, that might only take until December.

Newt Gingrich is HATED throughout America. This is the guy who tried to shut down the federal government because he was mad about getting a bad seat on Air Force One. He has support among Republican ideologues and clueless pundits like Dean Broder, but nobody else. And if he does run he's going to try and reinvent himself as some kind of post-partisan problem solver, as if people will just up and forget his universally loathed tenure as Speaker of the House.

All of which is a prelude to say, run Newt run.

Tales of Failed Presidential Campaigns

No, I'm not talking about Alan Keyes. Turns out John McCain might be headed to blood banks to round up some ready cash.

"The campaign has raised only $3.7 million to date for the quarter," a longtime, influential friend of the Arizona Republican told The Washington Times.

"The hope was to reach $4.5 million, about a third of what was raised in the 'disastrous' second quarter,' " said the McCain supporter, who has access to the senator's daily campaign operations.

The figures he cited — although anything but rosy — mask the even worse state of the campaign's finances, said the source, speaking on the condition of anonymity to protect his relationship with the senator.

"Those are gross numbers, not net," the friend said. "Plus the campaign is carrying $2.5 to $3 million in debt. [He's] done for."

For context, Ron Paul raised an equivalent amount in the 2nd quarter.

And then there's Freddie, whose Tragical Memory Tour hit a major roadblock to his effort to woo social conservatives. Seems that Dr. Dobson is as unimpressed as... everyone else.

According to a private e-mail obtained by the AP, influential evangelical leader James Dobson told friends he will not be backing Fred Thompson's candidacy for president [...]

Said Dobson: "Isn't Thompson the candidate who is opposed to a Constitutional amendment to protect marriage, believes there should be 50 different definitions of marriage in the U.S., favors McCain-Feingold, won't talk at all about what he believes, and can't speak his way out of a paper bag on the campaign trail?" Dobson wrote. "He has no passion, no zeal and no apparent 'want to.' And yet he is apparently the Great Hope that burns in the breasts of many conservative Christians? Well, not for me, my brothers. Not for me!"

That's two down, only eight to go for Keyes. Keyes! He's got 621 signers to his "Pledge For America's Revival"! That's more votes than he got in Illinois in 2004!

Quick, Tell 1,000 Friends About The Values Voters Debate

This Values Voters debate (streaming live now) , hosted by the likes of WorldNetDaily and Phyllis Schlafly, is like a treasure trove of wingnuttia. The Democratic Party should have bought air time on all three networks just to broadcast it. No wonder the leading candidates wanted nothing to do with it. This is insanity personified.

I just watched a 10-minute disquisition from all the candidates on the "homosexual agenda," which included defenses of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy and the rights of the Boy Scouts to discriminate against gays, and cited homeschooling as somehow the answer to this evil. They all proudly asserted that they would defund Planned Parenthood. And Alan Keyes connected the war on terror to abortion.

There's a part now where the candidates there are punching answers into a keypad on a yes or no question. Then everyone in the audience claps when the candidates get the answer right. I think a chute comes out from under the podium if they get it wrong. Pretty much nobody has yet.

This is the hidden conservative agenda. It should be known to every single American.

UPDATE: Judge Roy Moore just came out to WILD applause. He would win the straw poll in that room.

UPDATE II: ...Duncan Hunter just got in a "zinger," saying that we could get the Taliban to confess by just making them listen to Al Franken's radio show.

Franken ended his radio show months ago.

UPDATE III: Liberal fans of Ron Paul will be pleased to know that he supports teaching intelligent design in schools (to the extent that he believes in schools). He also would not support the creation of a commission to monitor the eradication of slavery in Sudan. That's what he takes a stand on.

"My name is Steven Bennett, and I'm a former homosexual." These people are deranged.

UPDATE IV: It wouldn't be a values voter debate without some ACLU bashing. Of course, today the ACLU decided to support Larry Craig's challenge to his arrest, so I wonder how they reconcile that one.

This guy wants to eliminate the gag rule that prohibits tax-exempt organizations from advocating for candidates. And the candidates all agreed.

It's a creepy world that everyone at this debate lives in, one where you would believe gay people, immigrants and academia, maybe the most marginalized elements of society, wield supreme power over the nation.

UPDATE V: Judge Roy Moore just asked about the NAFTA Superhighway that doesn't exist.

The format is also hilarious. In this "round" which has gone on for a half-hour, the candidates say absolutely nothing. A series of nutballs walk to the podium and pontificate, asking a question with an obvious answer for this crowd, all of the candidates answer the question the right way, and the crowd claps like they're giving a food pellet to a rat. It's like Justice Sunday if it were a game show.

UPDATE VI: A new level of crazy. An antiabortion activist, a lady who claimed to be nearly aborted, just asked Rudy Giuliani "why do you want to kill me," only Giuliani isn't there. So they cut to an EMPTY PODIUM of Giuliani. They're doing the same thing now with Romney. They just zoom in on the empty podium.

I wonder if 1856 Republican candidate John C. Fremont will also get a question.

Oh This Is The Greatest Day Of My Life

Run Alan run!!!

After two previous runs for U.S. president, former Reagan diplomat Alan Keyes has announced he's again seeking the White House in the 2008 election, and he'll take part in Monday night's Republican presidential debate here.

Keyes told syndicated radio host Janet Parshall he's "unmoved" by the lack of moral courage shown by the other candidates, among whom he sees no standout who articulates the "key kernel of truth that must, with courage, be presented to our people."

And that kernel of truth is, "I'm Alan Keyes and I'm 31 flavors of crazy."

I actually started an aborted blog back called Draft Keyes! back when the Maryland Senate seat came open in 2006. The premise was that he got 15% of the vote in Illinois, and he ACTUALLY LIVES in Maryland, so he'd probably do twice as well!

Alan Keyes is the snarky blogger's best friend. He's like the Jeff Gannon of the blogosphere; you can always go to him when you're looking for a lifeline. When his profile waned over the last few years, that lifeline had waned.

Thank you, Alan, on behalf of all people who love to laugh, thank you.