Chris Dodd's great-great-great-great-aunt hated corn.

Senator now "dead in the water" in Iowa

SIOUX CITY (BP) - The longshot campaign of Connecticut Senator Christopher Dodd took a big hit in the Hawkeye State today, when our crack reporting staff found a long-forgotten note form his great-great-great-great-aunt acknowledging a dislike of corn.

"Mama never usually cooks it right," wrote Rose-a-Sharon Millicent Dodd in a diary entry dated March 16, 1835. "An' e'en if she did, it sticks between my teeth like President Jackson sticks to the Indian Removal Act!"

Staffers for Senator Dodd hastily assembled a closed-door meeting to discuss how best to deflect the damage this could do to his nascent campaign. Needless to say, the eating habits of a distant relative twice remove would have a crushing effect in the farmlands of this midwestern state, home to the first caucus in the nation. "If word got out about this, yes, I think you might as well write off Iowa. Corn farmers don't like to be told that somebody doesn't like their product," said Democratic strategist James Carville, who surreptitiously took off his "Hillary '08" button mid-interview.

So far, Sen. Dodd has been largely silent about the controversy, with his only public statement being "Who the heck cares what some ancestor of mine ate for dinner?" But he is not the first candidate trying to live down the sins of his own lineage. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is still reeling from revelations that his great-grandfather was a polgymist, and more recently it was revealed that ancestors of Sen. Barack Obama, former Sen. John Edwards and Sen. John McCain all were slaveowners. Remarkably, none of them have dropped out of the 2008 Presidential race due to these scandals, although it has been rumored that former Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack's departure from the fight for the Democratic nomination is due to rumors that his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grand-uncle misfired his musket during the Revolutionary War.

One prominent media critic and writer, Eric Boehlert of Media Matters, questioned why the conduct of long-distant relatives has any bearing on the skills and abilities of candidates today, but he was shouted into silence by a team of journalists who were busily scouring the website Genealogy.com for more exclusive scoops. "Of course it matters whether or not Sen. Dodd's great-great-great-great-aunt liked corn," said Howard Kurtz, media analyst for the Washington Post and CNN. "That's like saying it doesn't matter what Hillary Clinton's wrote in her senior thesis in 1969! A President has to be President to all people: corn growers, abolitionists, anti-polygamists, people who don't like thesis papers. If we don't do our job as journalists and dig up all available records on these candidates going back 200 years and try to insinuate that the sins of their predecessors reflect on them, then we've failed the American people."

In a related story, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson's mailman hates cheese, dampening his prospects in Wisconsin.

What a Blistering Critique

Oh boy, have they got Al Franken on the run now. I mean, this Senate candidacy might be over before it's even begun.

See, the Republican Party of Minnesota has put out a blistering document (h/t Wonkette) that compiles "The Facts About Al Franken."

And it's not pretty.

Apparently, unbeknownst to millions of Minnesotans, Franken says "mean" and "partisan" and "divisive" statements for no other reason than to get "laughs".

What kind of sick man would do such a thing?

Franken Jokes About Executing Karl Rove & Scooter Libby. “The President’s father...has said
that outing a CIA agent is treason....What it looks like is going to happen is that [Lewis] Libby and Karl
Rove are going to be executed....I don’t know how I feel about it because I’m basically against the
death penalty, but they are going to be executed.” (CBS’s “Late Show with David Letterman,” October 21, 2005)

That's outrageous! Taking a quote from the President's father, using the fact that treason is a capital crime and fashioning a quip at the expense of Karl Rove and Scooter Libby? How could he call for such an execution? How could he joke about something so serious? What, does he think he's some kind of comedian that appears on talk shows for no other reason but to entertain people? The hell?

But it gets worse.

Franken Hates Rush Limbaugh. Q: “Do you really hate Limbaugh or is he just an easy target?” A: “Both.” (Jennifer Senior, “Al Franken, Democrats' Favorite Comic Is Politically Incorrect,” The Hill, August 25, 1996)

He hates Rush Limbaugh! That's going to destroy him in the Democratic primary! I'll bet he'd put out a book attacking poor Rush, who has no way to defend himself, no megaphone for his point of view!

And then there's more.

Franken Claims “Midwest Values”; Franken PAC Funded By Super Rich Hollywood Liberal
Elites. “The list of contributors to comedian Al Franken's political action committee reads like a
celebrity who's who: singer Barbra Streisand, writer-director Nora Ephron, actor-writer Larry David and
actor Jimmy Smits. … His leadership PAC, Midwest Values PAC, raised $500,000, according to a Research Briefing review of campaign finance reports. … Among the contributors to the PAC were actor Larry Hagman,
directors Christopher Guest and Barry Levinson, and writers Harold Ramis and Aaron Sorkin. ‘Curb
Your Enthusiasm’ star Larry David said he couldn't refuse Franken.” (Frederic J. Frommer, “Al Franken Getting
Celebrity Support,” The Associated Press, July 28, 2006)

You see? Al Franken is the darling of Hollywood elites and liberals! The way they take to him, you'd almost think he's WORKED in Hollywood! (By the way, Norm Coleman would never do such a thing like take money from people he's worked with, like his fellow lawyers... I mean, $470,000 is a piddling sum.)

But that's not all. Apparently Franken likes to use "hyperbole" and "irony" other big-city talk.

Franken Compared Clinton’s Impeachment Trial To Holocaust. “Moments before they delivered
the opening arguments in President Clinton's impeachment trial, the 13 House managers gathered
around a conference table in a meeting room deep inside the cavernous Capitol…. On many days,
there was a sprinkling of empty seats inside the Senate's visitor's gallery, where spectators included
the likes of Whoopi Goldberg and comedian Al Franken. ‘If you can get humor out of the Holocaust, I
guess you can get it here,’ Franken said.” (Paul Schwartzman, “The Trial That Wasn’t,” Daily News, February 14, 1999)

Franken Ridiculed Plight Of Afghan Women. “The event, co-hosted at the W New York Hotel by
Glamour magazine and the Feminist Majority Foundation, attracted such A-list women as Meryl
Streep, Laura Dern, Melissa Etheridge, Marlo Thomas, Glamour editor in chief Bonnie Fuller and Al
Franken, who bombed at the podium, especially with such jokes as, ‘Why don't we focus on what
Afghan women can do? They can cook, bear children and pray. As I recall, that was fine for our
grandmothers.’” (Mitchell Fink With Lauren Rubin, “Liza Wants To Be A Hit, Just Not A Huge One,” New York Daily News, October 20, 1999)

He compared Clinton to the Holocaust! OK, well, he said the word Holocaust. But still! Godwin's Law, Godwin's Law! And he tells jokes that the New York Daily News decided were bad (maybe because they didn't understand them, like the Minnesota GOP -ed.)

Did I mention that Franken is an angry, vile, ANGRY, angry man?

WHEN AL FRANKEN ATTACKS

Franken Called President George H.W. Bush A “Dink.” “And when the networks projected George Bush as the 41st president, comedian Al Franken took to the stage to cheer up the crowd. The Dukakis campaign has asked me to tell you that the views I express here tonight are not the views of the Dukakis campaign, but my own,’ deadpanned the "Saturday Night Live" entertainer-writer. ‘Now that I've got that settled, let me ask you ... " Long pause for effect. ‘ISN'T GEORGE BUSH A DINK?’” (Lois Romano, “Finally! The Fat Lady Sings; In Boston, The Dank Specter Of Defeat,” The Washington Post, November 9, 1988)

I'm pretty confident that the voters of Minnesota will agree that calling somebody a dink 20 years ago pretty much disqualifies you for elected office in perpetuity.

But all of this is fluff. Let me get to the most damaging allegations. First, there are these damning, insensitive remarks made to the future of America, our college students:

Franken Writes Of Delivering Condescending Commencement Address To Technical College
Students:


Graduates Are “The Nation’s Future Air Conditioner Repairmen.” “When I was first
asked to speak at Hartford State Technical College, I jumped at the opportunity. Because,
you see, I thought I had been asked to speak at Harvard, which would have been quite an
honor. But instead I am here with you, the nation’s future air conditioner repairmen.” (Al Franken,
Oh, The Things I Know! Plume, p. 6-7, 2002)


Graduates Are “Already Dead” Because They Will “Live Useless Lives.” “Goethe once
said, ‘A useless life is an early death.’ In Goethe’s terms, most of you are already dead.
Because most of you will live useless lives. You will, you will, and you will.” (Al Franken, Oh, The
Things I Know! Plume, p. 6-7, 2002)


Speech Will “Probably Be Way Over” Graduates’ Heads. “But back to Goethe, and please
remember that I prepared this speech for Harvard students, so it will probably be way over
your heads.” (Al Franken, Oh, The Things I Know! Plume, p. 6-7, 2002)

He called college graduates useless and stupid! All right, sure, he pretended to do that, because it was a fictional passage in his book written in a condescending persona, but STILL. How dare he insult imaginary students with fake invective like that!

But hold on to your hats, kids. Because this is the line that will lose Franken the election, for sure. No doubt about it.

Franken Plan To Reduce Debt: Blast The Elderly In Rockets Over Snake River And Put It On
Pay-Per-View. “Every Sunday, we put an elderly (or terminally ill-person) in a rocket, fire it over the
Snake River, and put it on pay-per-view. The revenues go straight into reducing the debt.” (Al Franken,
Rush Limbaugh Is A Big, Fat Idiot, Island Books, p. 139, 1996)

What senior in their right mind would vote for someone who wants to blast them in a rocket for fundraising purposes? Do YOU want to see Grandma or Grandpa soaring through the stratosphere, live on pay-per-view, just so future generations can have their debt burden lowered? And for those of you who think this is another one of Franken's "jokes," it was part of his serious policy paper "Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot," which I believe he produced for the Brookings Institution. Absolutely everything in that tome is to be taken at face value, particularly the "fat" and "idiot" parts.

This is devastating. If I were Franken, I would not only abandon the campaign, but leave the country. I mean, what if the Minnesota GOP finds out he was already President and he did a terrible job?

Good work while it lasted, Franken, but your past has clearly caught up with you.

(interesting that this comes out in the same week that Fox News tries to put out a comedy show for conservatives. Both serve to prove that they are incapable of getting a joke.)

How The Terrorists Will Follow Us Home

If we leave, they'll follow us here. It's as simple as that.
-John Boehner, House of Representatives, Feb. 13, 2007

The terrorists will follow us home if we leaave
-George W. Bush, The White House, Feb. 14, 2007

Some liberal bloggers believe that such a scenario is impossible. How would terrorists be able to follow Americans 10,000 miles from Baghdad to the United States? But to suggest that this could never happen reflects a poverty of imagination. Indeed the tracking and following skills of the world's most dangerous terrorists have been honed to a sharp edge over the past decade, and they are ready to pursue a variety of strategies that will result in their finding America.

The first and most dangerous possibility is what the terrorists refer to as "the Max Cady option". In this scenario, the terrorists will hold on to the undercarriage of the Chinook helicopters and the JASDF C-130 transport planes used to ferry the troops back home from Iraq. The terrorists have studied this and concluded that, with the right tailwind and the proper gloves, they could hang on all the way to touchdown at Dover AFB in Delaware (see Fig 1-1).



(Fig. 1-1. The Max Cady Option (artist's rendering))

Now, some would suggest that this would only get one terrorist to follow us home at a time. But military intelligence has acknowledged that there might be room for two in the space between the wheel well. And, as we have 140,000 troops as well as 100,000 additional security personnel serving in Iraq, and the C-130 only seats 130 passengers, you can see that Al Qaeda could be expected to transport over 1,800 terrorists using this technique, provided they don't fall to their deaths somewhere just west of the Azores.

But this is but one of the options available to the terrorists. And another has everything to do with the faulty design of out transport vehicles. You see, both the C-295M Twin Turboprop Transport Aircraft and the IL-76 Medium-Range Transport Aircraft, and even the V-22 Osprey, in fact practically every vehicle in the Air Force fleet, emit bread crumbs (see Fig. 1-2). All an enterprising terrorist would have to do is pick up the trail of bread crumbs released out of the back of the plane, and they would have no problem tracking the flight.



(Fig. 1-2. KC-767 Tanker Transport Aircraft Emission)

Now, I have no idea why this was built into the Air Force design; no doubt it's the insidious work of Big Bread Crumb (they're always trying to insert their products into bloated defense appropriation bills). But the point is that we cannot backwards-engineer an anti-bread crumb device, or put "trailers" in harm's way to pick up the bread crumbs and move them off the track, without compromising the mission and wasting valuable time. So this is simply something we're going to have to deal with.

Some would argue that our military, the most experienced and well-trained in the world, would surely notice if terrorists were following their bread crumb trail. But the terrorists are way ahead of us on that. In fact, they are diligently schooled in the fine art of hiding behind trees so as to not get spotted. Most terrorist training camps are littered with large spruce, maple, redwood, sequoia, and larch trees (see Fig. 1-3), and would-be terrorists are taught how to make themselves small and to keep all body parts behind the tree to avoid being noticed.



(Fig. 1-3. Terrorist training camp - approximation)

This is going to be difficult to countermand, as "finding people hiding behind a tree" was recklessly kept out of the new counterinsurgency manual being used by the military. This was an oversight of epic proportions.

Should we fix the bread crumb problem, and should we scan the transport and cargo planes before takeoff to see if anybody's hiding in the undercarriage, and should we become more adept at looking behind THE WHOLE TREE, not just glancing, there's still another technique that the terrorists are sure to use. They may ask us where we're going.

Here's a sample of this technique in practice:

Terrorist Disguised As Fruit Salesman: Hey, where are you going?

Unwitting American Solider (getting on plane): Oh, back to the US, why?

Terrorist: No reason.

Soldier: You're not thinking of following me or anything, are you?

Terrorist: No, why would I do that?

Soldier: Oh, OK. In that case, here's an address where you can reach me.

(soldier scrawls down exact address of his base location in the United States)

Soldier: I put the address for a nearby nuclear power plant on there too, in case you want to take their tour.

Terrorist: Thank you! (smiles devilishly)

Obviously, we're dealing with an enemy who is very proficient at extracting information that they can put to use later. And I hear there are even maps of the United States available for the terrorists to download and use once they find out where the troops are going.

I would not be so quick to dismiss these thoughts from Republicans that the terrorists would follow us home. They obviously have the skills and capability to do it. We need to be very wary of this possibility, and do whatever we can to throw them off the track. Only then willwe be safe enough to win the war on terror.